At this juncture in my life, I asked myself, “What is important to you?”, “About what are you passionate?”, and, quite importantly, I think, “Why would anyone give a damn about what you’re writing?”
I wasn't allowed to be a Girl Scout. I really wanted to be a Girl Scout. I wasn't allowed to take my Harry Potter books to church to read while my Papa worked in his office and Nana practiced the organ. I wasn't allowed to dress up as a ghost, witch, devil, or anything else scary. I was told yoga was sinful. Because they pray regardless of faith. Because people think they're teaching you devil worship. Because someone might see and they might talk. Because it's a heathen religion.
I want to talk about my "Self Care" section now. It's not a concept I'd really ever heard of before. I'd heard people recommend "taking time for yourself" or the ever-helpful "just relax" offered by people frustrated by others' anxiety, but my soul sister came through in a big way a few weeks ago. "You gotta find what works for you... Do one thing each day that makes you feel good." One thing.
I don't want to put the specifics on loud speaker, but here's the gist. I've had the foundations of my life shaken. Old trauma was brought into new, brighter, meaner light. I can't think about a time of this year without my heart pounding, my breath quickening, and my eyes welling up.
"Her husband Joseph, being a righteous man and unwilling to expose her to public disgrace, planned to dismiss her quietly." The phrases, "A righteous man," and, "unwilling to expose her to public disgrace," jumped at me as never before.
I love old things. I love old books, old buildings, old houses, old dishes, old jewelry, and old pictures. When we buy a house someday, it'll be an old fixer upper and we'll make it beautiful again. So this new construction apartment totally shouldn't appeal to me.
Now listen to me for a second and do your best to see where I(feminist, Christian, wife, housewife, cynical, democrat, pet-mom, daughter, granddaughter, college-graduate, cousin, niece, daughter-in-law, woman, millennial)'m coming from.
You are the greatest investment I've ever made. October would have marked our fifth year together and I wish so badly that I'd done a better job of saving you this summer. But there is yet hope.
But then I realized: this is the situation at hand and we have two choices leading to the same end: we need to get the eff out. We can either fight it like we usually do - bemoaning that these things keep happening to us, putting off what needs to be done, arguing about what we want, and growing more anxious by the day. Or. Or we could just get shit done.
A few years ago when I was in weekly therapy sessions, I learned something that changed my life. It's something a lot of people know and a lot of people do, but it had never occurred to me that I really could do it. I don't have to answer the phone every time it rings. Mine … Continue reading (my) secret to everyday sanity
For most of my life, I assumed I was simply screwed up and let that explain many of my problems. I reasoned that I'd been through some tough stuff and that I'd always be okay because I'd always been okay. And it worked alright. My first semester away at college had been tough, but the second … Continue reading Anxiety and Apple Pie